Он улыбался...Он имел привычку улыбаться. В этом была и его сила, и его слабость. Это умение моментально поставить человека на место, унизить и просто уничтожить его пристальным взглядом и милой улыбкой, с поразительной жестокостью и равнодушием. Но в этой улыбке заключается и слабость- уверяю Вас! Ясная и понятная аналогия: иногда, когда кто-либо не знает как поступить, он отправляется на кузню и моет чашку. Зачем? Неизвестно,то есть- известно . Ему страшно, он прячется за рутинным действием, а вот Он прятался за улыбкой, прятался, когда не знал что делать, что говорить и куда смотреть.
Он был мил, приветлив, немного дерзок, но не по своей натуре, а все от того же страха, слабости и желания скрыть маленького, шаловливого и не оправдавшего надежд родителей мальчика. Он не был глуп, но и не был особо умен, скорее врожденное чувство схватывания на лету чужих мыслей и идей, витающих в воздухе и в среде, его окружающей. Он не был красив, не был даже симпатичен, но умел нравиться, потому что знал как и кому нравиться, опять же проявление слабости и детского эгоизма- желание нравиться всем без исключения, желание страстное и сильное. Это было заметно, хотя и скрывалось под маской глубокого безразличия к миру и вообще всего, происходящего за пределами его апартаментов. Ему нужно было родиться фараоном в Древнем Египте, там бы он был по-настоящему счастлив, окруженный всеобщей любовью и благоговением, пускай притворной, но ему было бы все равно.
Мне было его искренне жаль, хотя он и нравился мне. А ему было искренне жаль меня, жаль все человечество, которое он ненавидел, и к любви которого он стремился.Меня тянуло к нему, тянуло к этой милой эгоцентричности, тянуло как тянет ко всему испорченному, но он не был испорчен, не был надломлен. Это была слащаво-приторная драма, выдуманная им самим, выставляемая без малейших стеснений на всеобщий показ.Я скучала по нему, его голосу, его интонациям и представлениям, но без него мне лучше и свободнее дышалось. Меня не удивляли его драмы, я жила в них, и мне не было нужды в них играть, хотя я и поддавалась безвольно, а , возможно, и подсознательно, ведь игра, даже, если она обречена быстро закончиться или быть проигранной , в любом случае, интереснее тишины, медленно съедающей тебя изнутри. Мне нужен был клоун, загадочный гибрид печального Пьеро и скомороха. И он был им, зная, что мне это приятно, а ему все равно какую драму разыгрывать. И все были бы счастливы, если бы .. он не ошибся во мне.. Вышло, как в любимой мною песни:"... the crack of my soul, you thought it was smile".

Behind melting desires...

Reading and closed eyes, meds and herbs, music and silence, emptiness and fullness, love and hate, anger and fear, people around and loneliness. You always support me, never leave me, eat with me , sleep with me, bang with me. People... Sartre was right when he said that Hell is other people..You always run into them and they're trying their best to destroy all your purposes and plans.Sometimes I really like them, when lonliness eats me completely, but after few touches i have only one desire: to throw them away as far as possible. I've never been inlove, i've never ever had friends..Am I bitch? Perhaps...I can miss somebody madly, i can have a need in somebody hardly, I can trying to be loved by somebody, but nor because of SOMEBODY, neither because of Myself...I just need a clown who will entertain me forever, i need shoulder to cry on, i need person I'll adore and human beinf i'll inspired by...I need pretty face i'll suffer from, i need feelings, which will make live and then make me leave ugly scars over my body...Thank you all, but you having been an agonism of my lonliness

During the recent nice talk with my friend, I devised that sometimes i produse not bad metaphors. Bravo! It's always nice to find out you're not so imbicil, as used to think about yourself.
Well, I don't go along with how to connect two parts of my text: sarcastic introduction about my brain's abilities and lyric part about love poison. Silly fuck...I really don't know how to do it in a talanted way.."Love poison" sounds so vilgar and sugary.
You're trying your best to forget him, to forget how he's looking, his face, every single miserable details of his appearance, behaviour, taste of your meeting, emotions of your talks,your sex, crazy walks...
You're getting angry. Why the fuck you can't get this shitty asshole out of your pretty head? You've already read millions articles about " geting him out of your life", you wrote out all his disadvantages.. But memory..(remember memory is your awful enemy!)is like real bitch from your high school times, awakes these pleasant moments. And you're starting to melt, and another bitch - hope starts to fuck your subconsciousness with : "Hmm.. maybe he's just busy? Maybe he couldn't behave in another way? Maybe, he's just specific kind of person and i(stupid cow) can't understanf him?" Yeah!! Super good solution. Blame yourself. For sure, it's not his guilt, but your!!! Fuck your brains hard, who else have so nice opportunity(24/7)instead of you? Insomnia will help you with it.
I love you and hate you at the same time..Improve your self-doubt, please!!!!Do something. He wont do it, because he doesn't care! DOESN"T CARE!!! Get it? Right!!Good girl.
It's painful, but it wont last forever. Food poison, love poison.Gosh, is it the same thing? Yes:
1) You see sth( smb) nice and start to want it. It's your fix-idea. You're attracted by its(his) smell, look, form, voice, colour, smile. You' re looking forward to taste it. It should be great, but you don't have any reason to think so, because you personally don't know, friend's mind dosn't matter(since what time???). But you're fast bitch, you've already embellished subject(person) you desire with the most unbelievable advantages. Stunning work, nothing to say. So, you're full of expection, full of glamour and happiness. Have to take some meds, too nervous, have no breath. Relax, few minutes(weeks, months) and you'll have magnificent journey with your new " imaginary friend"!
2) Oh... You're crying a lot..No, you've cried your fucking eyes out? It seems so.Hey, where is your happy idiotic look, childish, naive smile? Probably, at the same ass like he. But, nice question! Where is he? Disappered...Of course it's your guilt, without no doubts. But WHY??? What have you done wrong? It was tastful, it was with spice, but, as a result, you've got poison. Hard poison...Now you're ill, pieced off and disappointed, trying to answer 'never-ending-why' and complect yourself. Because this pitiful creature can't live, eat, walk, think, read, listen to music, attend public places, because everything reminds about him!!!!Arrr.Everyting! It seems like everything in this bullshit city devoted to his slutty personality? It's myth, of course. But you strongly belive in it! You don't have appetite, you want nothing and nobody, but he.You're almost lost in your own head. Horrible situation.
3)Attention! It'll pass!Not now, but eventually!!!It's the only good thing about this damn situation:)) Like food poison, few weeks, in your ocassion- few months. You'll be fresh and calm with some sadness in your pretty eyes and bitter taste in the mouth. For sure, it wont bring any use for you! Don't belive to brainy quotes and smart articles, which promise that every fucking love torture brings unforgatable experience and you'll never ever stuck in the same situation!!!Ha ha! Remember, if you have inclination, you'll always fall inlove into the wrong persons, and you'll always eat wrong pie! Sorry, but it is motherfucking truth. So, reccomendation: what do you usually use against stomach ache, choking, bla.. bla.. Smekta? Sth else? Use! And about love poison, a bit harder..Just think it'll pass soon. Just think how happy you'll be when you'll be free from fucking thoughts and shizophrenic ideas!
It doesn't look like lyric part.. Oooh..I've said you.. I can cnnect it..Maybe, i'm stupid. No, 100% I'm, it's prooved by all this shit I've written during half an hour.
Have to go to bed, I'm too tortured by my love poison..

Albert Camus Quotes

"A guilty conscience needs to confess. A work of art is a confession."

"A man without ethics is a wild beast loosed upon this world."


"A man's work is nothing but this slow trek to rediscover, through the detours of art, those two or three great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened."

"After all manner of professors have done their best for us, the place we are to get knowledge is in books. The true university of these days is a collection of books."

"Alas, after a certain age every man is responsible for his face."

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."

"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower."

"Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of an eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time."

"But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?"

"Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question."

"Culture: the cry of men in face of their destiny."

"Every act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence and an appeal to the essence of being."

"Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better."

"How hard, how bitter it is to become a man!"

"It is not your paintings I like, it is your painting."

"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."

"The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind."

"Those who write clearly have readers, those who write obscurely have commentators."

"Virtue cannot separate itself from reality without becoming a principle of evil."

"Without freedom, no art; art lives only on the restraints it imposes on itself, and dies of all others."

"Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies."

"You cannot create experience. You must undergo it."

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

Somerset Maugham's Quotes

"An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones."

"At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely."

"Beauty is an ecstasy; it is as simple as hunger. There is really nothing to be said about it. It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all."

"Death doesn't affect the living because it has not happened yet. Death doesn't concern the dead because they have ceased to exist."

"Every production of an artist should be the expression of an adventure of his soul."

"I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell... their heart's in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ."

"In the country the darkness of night is friendly and familiar, but in a city, with its blaze of lights, it is unnatural, hostile and menacing. It is like a monstrous vulture that hovers, biding its time."

"It is not true that suffering ennobles the character; happiness does that sometimes, but suffering for the most part, makes men petty and vindictive."

"It wasn't until late in life that I discovered how easy it is to say "I don't know."

"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."

"It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people, and the only thing is to face it."

"Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it."

"Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long."

"People ask for criticism, but they only want praise."

"The artist produces for the liberation of his soul. It is his nature to create as it is the nature of water to run down the hill."

"The writer is more concerned to know than to judge."

"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are."

"There are two good things in life - freedom of thought and freedom of action."

"There is no explanation for evil. It must be looked upon as a necessary part of the order of the universe. To ignore it is childish, to bewail it senseless."

"When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character."

"You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance."

"You know what the critics are. If you tell the truth they only say you're cynical and it does an author no good to get a reputation for cynicism."

"When things are at their worst I find something always happens."

"I don't think of the past. The only thing that matters is the everlasting present."

"Life isn't long enough for love and art."

"One can be very much in love with a woman without wishing to spend the rest of one's life with her."

"Women are often under the impression that men are much more madly in love with them than they really are."

"A mother only does her children harm if she makes them the only concern of her life."

"I never spend more than one hour in a gallery. That is as long as one's power of appreciation persists."

"It's always difficult to make conversation with a drunk, and there's no denying it, the sober are at a disadvantage with him."

"Often the best way to overcome desire is to satisfy it."

I'm getting abused

When you're single .Yes- "single", "alone","not taken", hah more synonyms? So, when you're single , people believe they have nice oportunity to judge you. Some of them, who are called "intelligent" avoid of such talking, but sometimes, for example, during debate, they pour out this, because their subconsciousness tell that it's your weak place...Like lack of brains or ugly face or absence of arm...Hyenas guess they'll have magnificent power over you making you think you're deffected, unnormal,etc. And often they really do...Poor people who accept this. I don't I'm absolutely happy about my freedom (I know, hyenas will yell it's just pathos words of suffering single human being).But no, I'm really happy about my freedom, happy about my honour, okay, happy about my body! Because there is no much disgust then got caress from person you don't like..Arh...No, no, You all say lies. It's real disgust, and i'm so sorry about you who are trying their best to immitate happiness while you got orgasm i time a year...Yes,there are times when i need sex, when i need caress, when i need somebody to hold my cold hand, somebody to spend winter's evenings with, but i'd never ever be with person i don't like. Anyway, I can masturbate,there are always nice book on my bookshelf and....Attention..I have Myself, and it seems like you don't have yourself, because your own personality can't inspire you, can't entertain you, can't iven interest you..That's why you're so afraid of being alone. You depend from your partner, depend from people minds. Remember, you, you, who judge, offend,abuse single people you'll never be happy,because single people will always interrupt you and you'll always envy them, because there, inside of you , you understand they're much stronger, much honourable,much self-confidient and you're just scared part of senceless couple!

The Golden Age of Decay

Yes, sounds similar to Manson's "The Golden Age of Grotesque',but i prefer "decay" for the topic of my essey.It doesn'r matter, because i can use "delete" buttom and forget about essey and even about topic , but ,unfortunately, i can't do the same to our fuckin' planet. I want to ask my opponents whose angels wings fit them like a glove shut up.How long will we immitate that everything is okay/ Oh, stupid question. no way. So long as you'll be personally allive.Right? Because you were born, graduated, made you career, gave birth to your followers. And evry idiot on the earth play the same game destruction game.Capitalism made us agressive,selfish amd empty. When i see pregnant wooman, i think "Hm, in few months she'll give a life to a new bastard, who will think about games, sex and money". Not now, in future.
Cultures suffer from painless agony, we eat each other, nature chokes with death rattle, but we pretend that everything is fucking okay, i wish i could be so optimistic, having seen children&adults dying from cancer,because their parents or relatives don't have enough money, because some stupid whore bought new vuitton bag,talented children who can't continue (or even start) thier education, because univercities is full with imbiciles,